A Feather’s Weight Worth in Hope

Because I know, from the words, actions and inactions. From statistics and behaviour and of course personal bias. That is not to say I am certain of course.

I am well aware of my own fallibility, my own flaws, and my own ability to read far too much into any situation. While I can always stop, I find myself in a situation where I truly want to know. To know not just to satiate my curiosity but to confirm whether or not my fears are in fact justified. I want to know simply for the satisfaction I would gain of knowing. Whether or not it may be a validation that would please or displease me, I am almost pressured just by not knowing. But I would never ask.

I reside in shadows and blend in as often and seamlessly as I can, because it is always fun to watch, to observe. It would mean that I would never be an actual player but often it is my nature to avoid such a risk of pain even if it is at the expense of joy. Standing where I am, I remain content. Not happy, but content.

But I do want to hope. I do want to get out of my comfort zone. I want to break out of the shell that defines me, grab your shoulders and shake you and say “do you see me? I am here! I am alive! I exist! And I want you to know that I hear you and I care!”.

Yet I would remain unseen, unheard and unspoken of. Because I am here, and I stay where I am, and I burn the hope that always so tenaciously tries to rise over and over again.

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