Category Archives: Rant

What Is It If What It Is Is Not?

Often it is in the nature of myself that I find it overwhelmingly easy to stew in the raw seething hatred I have for most of humanity. Yet given its beautiful allure, I find myself inexplicably capable of moving past the various potholes of my life.

Consider the various humans who have so often failed in their word. Consider how they twist them with such craft of justifications and blame. Consider, how they can vanish in its entirety.

It is said that an unwillingness to forgive is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. Ultimately, forgiveness is an easy gift to hand out. Though clearly it is exceedingly silly to imply that one should forgive and forget. While one may forget things of a distant memory, its lessons and conclusion is what should clearly stay.

We may not be perfectly objective given our nature even if we truly want to. One possible problem being that weightage and classifications are subjective in nature as is, especially so if one considers it is subjective to the standards of oneself. But it does not discount the fact that there is a score. Having made that discovery, it then becomes our duty to keep it organized and disregard the biases of hormones and matters of chance.

However that is not to say we should be cold to the core. I consider myself very much human and naturely, quite capable of error. That said however, I find it reasonable to aspire to a system where thoughts and emotions are kept more in check than allowed to run wild in a chaotic fashion. Order within a system is that which reduces the noise of unsatiable desires.

It is natural then to think that while one can keep score, one is thus capable of giving additional chances. Objectivity that takes into account biases while capable of learning lessons is after all, essentially a way of thought that gives rise to allowing various opportunities of external sources.

Given that such is the case, it is also thus quite natural that if the frequency of chances are high but positive outcomes are low that it warrants furthur investigations as to determine why such is the case.

As much as it may be that a lack of a positive outcome may have a genuine tale, overwhelmingly I find that such is not the case. The simplicity of certain events or the lack of a correlation at all are very clear indications that it is more often than not just a case of weakness. While this may seem overly brutal in my judgement of others, it does still hold in it without a doubt, truth.

Is it then wrong for me to discriminate against others where the word of one is of concern? Is it not natural to favour those who can keep to their word versus those who do not? As much as there may be those who choose to deny their own judgements as such, it remains a reasonable certainty that we will choose to make decisions based on past experiences. The only difference here, is that I am aware of my biases and take effort into compensating for it.

Let it not be said that I am a machine, for I am but a mind wrapped in flesh. To desire a more rational train of thought is simply part of who I choose to be.

Hotter Than The Sun

Looking back, the one thing I have noticed for certain is that my emotions respond very strongly to external situations. Left to my own devices, I was always capable of finding some rudimentary way to entertain myself, to occupy myself, to make myself happier.

Putting myself back into the headspace that I had back when I was a child, I can almost remember how happiness and bliss feels like. While the memories of my past, my childhood especially so, has large gaps, I do still remember that back when I was in kindergarden, I had learned how much words can hurt me so greatly. I remember, how being shamed feels like, unintential as it may be. I remember how being put into a confined dark place feels like, though intential in this case.

Yet growing up, I do not remember ever being bitter. I have always seen the world with such infinite hope. Always naive and oblivious to the darkness and evils of the people around me. My memory has never been my strong suite and as such, it was easy to forget about the things that hurt me so in the world. I was a blissful idiot.

Over the years though, I noticed that while I am very much capable of feeling emotions, I feel everything almost excessively. Too often, I find myself not being annoyed but in rage; not being sad but in despair. And yet I find the more myself experiencing the excessive versions of positive emotions much less. Whether it does not work with positive emotions or that I simply have too little instances of them to have enough a sample size is something I will never know.

At some point during that time it occurred to me that since emotions are the cause of negative feelings, the lack of emotions would be a lack of negative feelings. And so I embarked upon the journey of muting out everything that I could possibly feel. While this did in fact work, it then occurred to me that I have muted out positive emotions as well, which would make life a little bland. As such, I decided that it is perhaps a wiser decision not to mute out emotions after all.

Now I’m sure many of you would think that considering I am capable of muting out emotions at all, why not simply mute out only the negative ones? Believe me when I say I’ve tried. But it seems my skills relies more on tuning out everything as a whole instead of functioning individually. I seem to be capable of controlling how much apathy I would like to experience.

Of course I am not an actual psychopath, so I still feel everything as I would normally. The only difference when controlling how apathetic I would be is that I can somehow ignore what I feel to some extent with no ill effect as far as I can tell. However, if I were to recall a situation without being apathetic, I can most certainly recall the emotions I felt at the time, since I actually DID feel them, tuned out as they may be.

Until the past two years, I noticed that my level of apathy is somewhat high. Most of the time when I am among others, it just seems so convenient to mute the agitation caused by the endless rambling of society. I still feel anger and resentment towards many things, but being as quiet as they were, everything was extremely bearable. I did this for close to five years when I noticed I could, simply because the extremes of what I feel was pushing me too hard for me to handle.

But two years ago, it seems I have almost forgotten how it would feel like to be happy without the restaint I place on myself. And so I undo what I did. It took some time to be as apathetic as I was back then. And it took time as well, to undo the level of apathy that I was in. But in a few months, I was back to feeling everything on full tilt.

In the beginning this was an almost painful process. I felt wrath like I have never experienced in my life. I was angry at everything. I was sad about everything. But a few months after this, I was feeling happiness marginally more than I can remember.

I thought perhaps it was like an atrophied muscle. I just had to keep working on it, perhaps eventually I’d feel happiness like never before. But as time went on, nothing changed. My negative emotions are on a magnitude that is almost unbearable most of the time. Yet the happiness that I seem to be capable of feeling has no improvement beyond the initial increase in margin.

Now two years after I have made such a decision, I have felt anger enough to almost make me spontaneously combust. I have felt despair enough to make me seriously consider suicide on multiple occasions. This has had me wondering, considering the limited pros and the terrible cons, have I made the correct decision? Is it not better to just simply re-invoke a strong sense of apathy if it means that the emotions I feel are much less potent?

Yes, there are many other coping mechanisms out there. But from my experience thus far, there is nothing else that works that is not damaging and/or illegal. Considering my other options of coping, it seems to me that short of getting a lobotomy, being apathetic is the only long term solution that I can think of.

The Garden That Once Was

I was expecting deep sharp pains. Maybe even some form of rage. Or possibly even some flavour of contempt. But it was nothing like that at all. All it was was like lying down with a plank on top of me as weights slowly piled on top of me one by one.

The beautiful thing about emotion is that it does not require any logical justification to exist. It simply does. But for a guy like that basically lives life as a series of logical conclusion, emotions are possibly the most agitating thing in the world to deal with.

Because when things are good it’s great. Everything would be wonderful and life goes on and everything is just peachy. But when things are bad, I would congratulate myself if I made through the day without committing any acts of self destruction. The things I could do is far too simple and far too accessible to make it easy to maintain self control. And for a moment, it would seem like a great idea to disappear, and then maybe, maybe, someone would notice.

But that’s never how it ever pans out. Because nobody notices something that disappears if that something behaves like it was never there to begin with. You wouldn’t notice a speck of dust on the top of a cupboard missing.

And the feeling it brings, and the feelings that are there, and the explosion of emotions that is barely being held is check thus far all stems from one simple unjustified emotional standpoint. That one irrational unexplainable mess of a state by brain has decided to be in. It is almost beautiful how absolutely terrifying it is.

Like the darkest of shadows and the brightest of lights, it forms itself as a contradiction existing simultaneously, almost mocking my rationality.

It breaths itself into my life, tracing every decision I make, every movement, every word spoken. It brings with it my wrath, my jealousy, my hate. It brings with it my despair and everything I held dear, everything I had ever tried to tame.

This is something I would have to concede is beyond my control. Despite my efforts to subdue it, I find myself being pushed back time and time again. There are parts of me that are extremely hard to kill. But for it to be fueled by something as powerful as hope, I find myself failing at every attempt to silence this thing.

I don’t want this hope. And I don’t want this feeling. And in all likelihood I am over thinking things. But being what I am, it seems inevitable that I would need to take drastic measures soon if I were to have any hope of keeping what’s left of my sanity.

Tracing The Past of an Arm Once Harmed

Looking back at the various fragments of my memories that are in pieces large enough to make sense, I often find myself questioning just what exactly has caused me to allow myself to be as emotionally slightly out of place as I am now. I don’t find myself to be particularly one dimentional, sure. Most people don’t and I would like to think most people aren’t as well. But I doubt that with so many citizens of planet earth, I am of a unique flavour.

I see the world in a way that simply does not require a larger force at play to entertain, please or pity me. Everyone else is everyone else, I am me. I expect ignorance from the universe, anything else would be a surprise. Considering statistics at least, there are certainly those who are better off than I am, and there are certainly those who are much worse. Being part of the spectrum just makes me as normal as anyone else. So long as one does not reside at the ends of said spectrum, one could easily fit in.

However when I look into my skin which writes a past, I begin to wonder just how far off a societal accepted norm I am. In terms of external manisfestations at least I’m sure I’ve got most of it pinned down, but my thoughts remain the same. It is only my action of which I have chosen to change, in this case, my decision to not take action. Yet considering the world once again, there are those who are far more south than I am, and it is not strange to note that I am in fact, reasonably normal in such a comparison.

The sum of my experiences may have molded me to think in a way that deviates slightly from one who would have had a different experience, but given that if they had experienced what I have, would they not be any different from me?

I sit on the shoulders of the giants I can reach, in the shadows of those beyond me, and I see the world in a way I don’t find uncommon. It has the good, the bad, the ugly, not unlike what any other person would think. My considerations on the matter often does not stray much from most others though I do often tend to have a more pessimistic and sadistic view of the world, but that stems completely from my sense of selfishness. As would for most others once they would come to accept this as fact I’m sure.

Growing up, I’ve learned to let go of many trains of thoughts. Regret, blame, and pity to name a few. Too often too many humans waste their time and effort wasting away at exercising their rights to these emotions and actions, when one could just as easily be a little more self critical and solve many more things. Yet at the same time I find myself simultaneously giving up hopes, dreams and happiness. To stop pursuing that which I would see then as also being a waste of effort and time. It would seem nowadays I still mostly hold on to this, as much as it might seem a negative quality to many.

Perhaps the most influencial tool I had from my upbringing was the capacity to be self critical. On the one hand, to see oneself as being fallable gives plenty of room for improvement. Though on the other, it did lead to, in my case at the very least, a lot more self blame than most humans would probably encounter. Probably.

The undeniable fact about this however, is that it has given me a much higher willingness to learn, and a much lower self confidence. That is not to say I have not noticed or done anything about it. Emulating confident behaviour is not something particularly hard to do and actions can in fact help invoke the proper thought process, but it is something that does not reflect what I am. That said, if one behaves confidently, speaks confidently, and is capable of putting up a display of confidence, does a cowardice thought process still makes one a coward?

When I think of the fragments of my past that has left its traces onto me, I sometimes find myself being awefully aware of the effect it has given. An almost tingly sensation as my arm starts to feel almost uneasy, almost, waiting for more.

I can’t deny that the idea has crossed my mind time and time again for the past several years of my life. Though substitutes can be imagined and applied, there is nothing quite like it. To simply take all the frustration and anger and uneasiness and discomfort and sadness and despair and loathing and just erase it, just like that. Or having been brought to life out of the cold and numb and repetitive and dead world.

To have such an instant and efficient solution for feeling overwhelmed or fading into nothingness, it seems almost a shame I had willingly kept myself from it.

The Problem With Censorship

It such a modern society it goes without saying that content which are meant to be broadcasted to the general public undergoes evaluation as not to influence the innocent. Censoring such media is without doubt a good way to insulate a young mind from anything explicit.

However, it is when access to said media is censored where human rights are being supressed. I am not saying that children should be allowed on the open internet and google anything they want. It is indeed the job of the parent or guardian of the child to shield them against damaging material. I AM saying that we should have the ability to access said material if we should so desire.

Take for example the internet. We may be restricted from accessing pornographic websites by third-party applications but access to said material should not be blocked by the government or the internet service provider.

This is the freedom of information. It is a right, and yet some still do not have the privilege.

Why is it that even in the 21st century there are still those out there that will censor the internet? Is it because people are practicing their freedom of expression and angering them? It is because people are practicing thier freedom of information and accessing more information then they are comfortable with?

Take for example media such as video, audio and text. The underage customer may be restricted to enter the pornographic area of a video store but access to said material shouldn’t be non-existant. When we want to, we should have the right to access said material. Restrictions can be exercised but banning media such as videos, music and even books shouldn’t be happening at all.

I’m not saying that everyone should be allowed to buy pornographic videos, vulgar songs or explicit books. Restricting sales to only adults is fine. I’m saying that if an adult want’s to get said material, they should be able to do so.

This is the freedom of information. It is a right, and yet some still do not have the privilege.

Why is it that now in the 21st century there still those who ban import of certain videos, music and books? Is it too expensive for them to set up a seperate corner for adults only? Are they so unconvinced with their own peoples ability to exercise self-restraint? Do they just want to save money and ignore the public who are happily pirating away said media?

Censorship IS a violation of human rights no matter how you to sugar coat it. As human beings, we have the right to the open internet and buying media with our own hard earned money.

But what about piracy?

Well, what about it? It is completely fine by me to have laws against piracy. People who work hard on a piece of work deserve to earn from it. Censorship is never about piracy. If laws of censorship are made for the internet to prevent censorship, its like making laws about mandatory leg amputation to prevent having leg related diseases. It is pure idiocy.

[I mean, think of the sadness experienced by every foot fetish person out there]


If you want people to stop accessing pirating websites, then find ways to take the website down. If you want children to stay out of pornopgrahic shops and vulgar music, educate them. Censorship does not solve the underlying problem. It only tramples on basic human rights and more often than not, piss off a whole lot of people.

Image: luigi diamanti /